Monday, September 15, 2008

Romeo must not die..

My first crush was a girl who used to attend the preparatory course sessions I was doing for Company Secretaryship in the summer of 1996.

Competition was high. Our group has a dozen others who vied for her. And, of course I was not the smartest of the lot, but I used to score high, most of the times in course reviews.

But I was shy. Our friendship was limited to ‘good morning’ or ‘hello’. Answers were known and did not help much. Everyday I used to prepare myself for situations like - she sits next to me, she asks for a coffee, or she just asks ‘how are you’.

Days passed by, and the hope.

One day I reached a little late. Class has started. I stepped towards the last bench and sat. “How come you are late today”, I saw her sitting next, and smiling.

For few moments I forgot to breathe. All my practice of weeks forsook as I tried to get my composure back, ‘I got caught in rain’.

Results were declared that day; I had scored the highest once again. She has passed too, except that she couldn't do well in one the subjects. We discussed that during the day and shared notes.

Light rains had started by the time the class got over. As usual I came out and stepped towards my bike. My eyes went wide when I saw her again, standing near the gate.

‘Can you drop me at Bailey Road’?

God, this is unfair. It was too much for me to handle in a day. Hurriedly I wiped dry the back seat and tried to start the bike.

The bike did not start.

It had rained heavily that day. I cleaned the spark plug; I kept the choke full, I prayed God, I did everything I could, but the bike did not start for strange reasons. Finally I said ‘Sorry’. We walked from the course center to Bailey Road, side by side, as the drizzle turned into a rain.

When we reached the Bailey Road, she told me, ‘I think, I like you’. I had heard this is the way; girls tell ‘I love you’. I was gasping for words as she continued telling me 'why'; she said I was simple, honest etc. I wasn't hearing much actually. But I saw her taking an auto rickshaw and going with an oh-so-lovely smile. I came home soaked by the rain.

I could not forget the day. The whole night I stayed awake. I kept thinking, planning, smiling. Felt like I was in love. That day, I forgave the world. No complaint whatsoever with anyone. I lived in the perfect world.

World changed back to real at the end of the session, I had cleared my Intermediate Level. But she couldn't clear on aggregate. She came and congratulated me. And before she left, she said she is going to get married next to next month with a CA in Delhi. My perfect world and love had deserted me.

I decided I will never fall in love again.

Inevitably I got married. Inevitably I fell in love again. And I also fell in love with this life, with the wilderness of the night, the long autumn distances, the ancient evenings, and everything I'd never been hurt before.

But I fight with my wife. I disagree on kind of furniture we purchase, on kind of food we eat, on kind or extent of in-laws participation, on several other things, once in a while.

But despite those disconnects, I love her, no matter what, no reason why.

So am I in a perfect world or in a real world?

I guess, ‘I exist in both the worlds', perhaps it just depends on the state of mind at a point or period of time.

See the following picture:

Nobody is perfect until you touch the line of love.

We all are logical people; we all have our own ways of seeing things. Our mind generates the logic that gives us bread to survive. Unfortunately it also generates lots of non-productive logic that keeps us differing with each other, if our survival is not the question.

And Mind sometimes creates illusions.

For example: ‘If someone tells you, ‘I think, I like you’. It is for sure, it is not from heart, it is from mind. Mind thinks and Heart can only feel.

Another example: ‘If someone tells you, ‘I like you because you are honest and simple’. It is only a minds work. Love can not answer ‘Why’?

When I look back, I realize, the girl who met me during Company Secretaryship never actually loved me.

When I see today, the girl who keeps fighting with me, feels very lonely and uncomfortable when I am not around for sometime.

I belive she does bring to me, the real as well as the perfect world. Every time we believe in each other, we touch the perfect world, the world of love.

Let us learn to believe. The Romeo inside must not die..


Mampi said...

Best wishes and hugs to the girl who keeps fighting with you.
Only last night, I was telling my husband that I fight with him because I cannot let go of the littlest happiness. He said fighting is the spirit.
Love is worth the fight.

How do we know said...

This is such a wonderful post! And your previous one on Bannerghatta national park made me feel like an idiot bcs i used to live on Bannerghatta Road for so many months and ended up never going there.

I kind of agree...Romeo lives if we let him live in us, and understand the love that flows beneath the fights and the daily "Tum khaana time par kyun nahi khaate ho?"s :-)

S.A.M.B.I.T said...

Nice story...

Pinku said...

hey thats a very cute post...and must say a huge amount of honesty coming from a guy.

Its easy for us girls to keep saying love u to the spouse not so for ur saying so for ur wife is wonderful...

must ask my hubby to read this...perhaps he will draw inspiration :)

Manish Raj said...

Hi Mampi : Love is indeed worth the fight. I will hug her once more on your behalf ;)

Hey HDWK : Next time you are in Bangalore, do let me know. Indeed I fight with Kuhoo on small small things. The latest fight we had was on, which restaurant we should go out for dinner.

Hi Sambit : This was my story.

Hi Pinku : Thank you very much. I am really happy to know that you liked it and share similar feelings. God bless you.

pinknblu said...

Dear Raj,
How old are you? how has all this been happening to you that has also happened to me in some measure? Did we live in parallel worlds and lead similar lives. Came to you via Pinku.Couldnt resist leaving this comment.

Manish Raj said...

Hi Parjanya

I am 32 and growing old everyday..

Thanks for your comments; it's really great to know someone understands these feelings exactly the same way, I did.

Cheers Dude..keep dropping in.

charu said...

Hi Manish,
I loved your blog. It says a lot and may be so from the experiences you had.
You are right logical mind brings doubts in few aspects where probably just the feel should do.

Nice read.


Mampi said...



Anonymous said...

somewhat close to my past n present too! beautiful post, oozing with honesty n intelligence.

You Know Me Very Well said...

Hey Manish.. Thats one of the most sensible posts that I have read so far..and I like your flair for writing. and its really very sweet the way you mention about your wife.. way to go :)

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Utsav said...

Sirji, no words to describe how beautifully this has been written... it looks like it has been written by a 24 year old(young) person...Saying this, i dont mean to say you are 32 :P.... I am amazed by your thoughts and i wish and hope that i can become like u!!

Very sweet post and i am sure madam would have been very happpy when she would have read this!!!

Best wishes to one of the most wonderful and jolly couple i have ever seen! Wish u both all the happiness and joy in the world!!!!