Monday, September 15, 2008

Romeo must not die..

My first crush was a girl who used to attend the preparatory course sessions I was doing for Company Secretaryship in the summer of 1996.

Competition was high. Our group has a dozen others who vied for her. And, of course I was not the smartest of the lot, but I used to score high, most of the times in course reviews.

But I was shy. Our friendship was limited to ‘good morning’ or ‘hello’. Answers were known and did not help much. Everyday I used to prepare myself for situations like - she sits next to me, she asks for a coffee, or she just asks ‘how are you’.

Days passed by, and the hope.

One day I reached a little late. Class has started. I stepped towards the last bench and sat. “How come you are late today”, I saw her sitting next, and smiling.

For few moments I forgot to breathe. All my practice of weeks forsook as I tried to get my composure back, ‘I got caught in rain’.

Results were declared that day; I had scored the highest once again. She has passed too, except that she couldn't do well in one the subjects. We discussed that during the day and shared notes.

Light rains had started by the time the class got over. As usual I came out and stepped towards my bike. My eyes went wide when I saw her again, standing near the gate.

‘Can you drop me at Bailey Road’?

God, this is unfair. It was too much for me to handle in a day. Hurriedly I wiped dry the back seat and tried to start the bike.

The bike did not start.

It had rained heavily that day. I cleaned the spark plug; I kept the choke full, I prayed God, I did everything I could, but the bike did not start for strange reasons. Finally I said ‘Sorry’. We walked from the course center to Bailey Road, side by side, as the drizzle turned into a rain.

When we reached the Bailey Road, she told me, ‘I think, I like you’. I had heard this is the way; girls tell ‘I love you’. I was gasping for words as she continued telling me 'why'; she said I was simple, honest etc. I wasn't hearing much actually. But I saw her taking an auto rickshaw and going with an oh-so-lovely smile. I came home soaked by the rain.

I could not forget the day. The whole night I stayed awake. I kept thinking, planning, smiling. Felt like I was in love. That day, I forgave the world. No complaint whatsoever with anyone. I lived in the perfect world.

World changed back to real at the end of the session, I had cleared my Intermediate Level. But she couldn't clear on aggregate. She came and congratulated me. And before she left, she said she is going to get married next to next month with a CA in Delhi. My perfect world and love had deserted me.

I decided I will never fall in love again.

Inevitably I got married. Inevitably I fell in love again. And I also fell in love with this life, with the wilderness of the night, the long autumn distances, the ancient evenings, and everything I'd never been hurt before.

But I fight with my wife. I disagree on kind of furniture we purchase, on kind of food we eat, on kind or extent of in-laws participation, on several other things, once in a while.

But despite those disconnects, I love her, no matter what, no reason why.

So am I in a perfect world or in a real world?

I guess, ‘I exist in both the worlds', perhaps it just depends on the state of mind at a point or period of time.

See the following picture:

Nobody is perfect until you touch the line of love.

We all are logical people; we all have our own ways of seeing things. Our mind generates the logic that gives us bread to survive. Unfortunately it also generates lots of non-productive logic that keeps us differing with each other, if our survival is not the question.

And Mind sometimes creates illusions.

For example: ‘If someone tells you, ‘I think, I like you’. It is for sure, it is not from heart, it is from mind. Mind thinks and Heart can only feel.

Another example: ‘If someone tells you, ‘I like you because you are honest and simple’. It is only a minds work. Love can not answer ‘Why’?

When I look back, I realize, the girl who met me during Company Secretaryship never actually loved me.

When I see today, the girl who keeps fighting with me, feels very lonely and uncomfortable when I am not around for sometime.

I belive she does bring to me, the real as well as the perfect world. Every time we believe in each other, we touch the perfect world, the world of love.

Let us learn to believe. The Romeo inside must not die..