For a place in the world..

Not sure whether this is some kind of a drift or an odd lack of abstinence; for past few days I wonder ‘what percentage of our lives we really control?'

Over the years, perhaps, I became too etiological; developed a tendency to look for a cause and solution for everything, to control all outcomes, almost negating the indeterminism of the events and of the people.

Most recent victim of my hysteria has been my son; as I started seeing my ‘another’ childhood in him. Out of love or fear; I tried to give him all inputs on what (I thought) works and what doesn’t. Just never knew when to stop and let him experiment. I almost controlled his thoughts and actions.

However things are changing lately; and obstinacy making way for acceptance.

Last Thursday, spoke with the girl from my first office, a girl who we all got attracted to because she giggled whenever she talked. But that day, she spoke in an uncharacteristic fraying voice; about four heart attacks she suffered recently. She held herself while she explained about her illness but my heart sank. She spoke as if she is living a borrowed life and all she wants next, is to talk to everyone she ever liked.

God willing, she is recovering. But since that time, I have done nothing but introspection. Have realized that none of us will ever be able to control what happens next in our lives. We all must accept, what in a manner we all are, destiny's children.

Like many of us, I couldn’t envisage what I do today; the cause of my next step has mostly been the result of the contiguous previous one. And with age, I knew there were too many variables that I could never have identified and accounted for. My best laid plans had to fail.

And then yesterday, found an old notepad while arranging the bags; one of those I have kept since high school days. Read some pages, smiled and then cried. Felt sorry to see my habit to control myself over the years. Wish I could somehow tell my ‘younger self’ that it was okay. Wish I could tell that kid to go for the guitar classes few more weeks; to follow that girl in blue ribbon to find out where she lived. Wish I could tell him that towards the end he won’t repent the things that didn't work out but the things he didn’t try.

Wish I could have tell him that merchant navy was not the only way he could see London. He too had a place in the world and all he needed was to keep that honesty in his dreams and deeds.

At the hindsight, I admit I had some dreams. Not all of them worked out, but I am happy I had them. They gave me the drive while destiny kept deciding my roads and destinations.

Guess it is time we leave our kids with their dreams, and with their experiments and do not control their lives injecting our apprehensions and controls. They are smarter and wiser than us; there is no reason why they won’t be any luckier. And if we managed to find a place in this world, they surely will, in the skies as well.

Pic by Ajay Sudhanshu